How you attach to other adults strongly corresponds with how you attached to others as a child. Four distinct styles of attachment have been identified — and perhaps recognizing yourself in one of them is the first step toward strengthening your relationships.
The four child/adult attachment styles are:
- Secure – autonomous;
- Avoidant – dismissing;
- Anxious – preoccupied; and
- Disorganized – unresolved.
Adults with these attachment styles differ in a number of significant ways:
- how they perceive and deal with closeness and emotional intimacy.
- ability to communicate their emotions and needs, and listen to and understand the emotions and needs of their partners.
- modes of responding to conflict.
- expectations about their partner and the relationship (internal working models).
There are three primary, underlying dimensions that characterize attachment styles and patterns. The first dimension is closeness, meaning the extent to which people feel comfortable being emotionally close and intimate with others. The second is dependence/avoidance, or the extent to which people feel comfortable depending on others and having partners depend on them. The third is anxiety, or the extent to which people worry their partners will abandon and reject them.
The outline below describes four adult attachment styles regarding avoidance, closeness and anxiety — and prototypical descriptions of each.
Secure: Low on avoidance, low on anxiety. Comfortable with intimacy; not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship. “It is easy for me to get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.”
Avoidant: High on avoidance, low on anxiety. Uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom; not worried about partner’s availability. “I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on me. It is very important that I feel independent and self-sufficient. My partner wants me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being.”
Anxious: Low on avoidance, high on anxiety. Crave closeness and intimacy, very insecure about the relationship. “I want to be extremely emotionally close (merge) with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t love or value me and will abandon me. My inordinate need for closeness scares people away.
Anxious and Avoidant: High on avoidance, high on anxiety. Uncomfortable with intimacy, and worried about partner’s commitment and love. “I am uncomfortable getting close to others, and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. I worry I will be hurt if I get close to my partner.”
The outline below explains the four adult attachment styles; the behavioral, cognitive and social aspects of each style; and the way in which they differ regarding closeness, dependency, avoidance and anxiety. It is common for adults to have a combination of traits rather than fit into just one style.
Autonomous (Secure):
- Comfortable in a warm, loving and emotionally close relationship.
- Depends on partner and allows partner to depend on them; is available for partner in times of need.
- Accepts partner’s need for separateness without feeling rejected or threatened; can be close and also independent (“dependent–independent”).
- Trusting, empathic, tolerant of differences, and forgiving.
- Communicates emotions and needs honestly and openly; attuned to partner’s needs and responds appropriately; does not avoid conflict.
- Manages emotions well; not overly upset about relationship issues.
- Insight, resolution and forgiveness about past relationship issues and hurts.
- Sensitive, warm and caring parent; attuned to child’s cues and needs; children are securely attached.
Dismissive (Avoidant)
- Emotionally distant and rejecting in an intimate relationship; keeps partner at arm’s length; partner always wanting more closeness; ” “deactivates” attachment needs, feelings and behaviors.
- Equates intimacy with loss of independence; prefers autonomy to togetherness.
- Not able to depend on partner or allow partner to “lean on” them; independence is a priority.
- Communication is intellectual, not comfortable talking about emotions; avoids conflict, then explodes.
- Cool, controlled, stoic; compulsively self-sufficient; narrow emotional range; prefers to be alone.
- Good in a crisis; non-emotional, takes charge.
- Emotionally unavailable as parent; disengaged and detached; children are likely to have avoidant attachments.
Preoccupied (Anxious)
- Insecure in intimate relationships; constantly worried about rejection and abandonment; preoccupied with relationship; “hyperactivates” attachment needs and behavior.
- Needy; requires ongoing reassurance; want to “merge” with partner, which scares partner away.
- Ruminates about unresolved past issues from family-of-origin, which intrudes into present perceptions and relationships (fear, hurt, anger, rejection).
- Overly sensitive to partner’s actions and moods; takes partner’s behavior too personally.
- Highly emotional; can be argumentative, combative, angry and controlling; poor personal boundaries.
- Communication is not collaborative; unaware of own responsibility in relationship issues; blames others.
- Unpredictable and moody; connects through conflict, “stirs the pot.”
- Inconsistent attunement with own children, who are likely to be anxiously attached.
Unresolved (Disorganized)
- Unresolved mindset and emotions; frightened by memories of prior traumas; losses from the past have not been not mourned or resolved.
- Cannot tolerate emotional closeness in a relationship; argumentative, rages, unable to regulate emotions; abusive and dysfunctional relationships recreate past patterns.
- Intrusive and frightening traumatic memories and triggers; dissociates to avoid pain; severe depression, PTSD.
- Antisocial; lack of empathy and remorse; aggressive and punitive; narcissistic, no regard for rules; substance abuse and criminality.
- Likely to maltreat own children; scripts children into past unresolved attachments; triggered into anger and fear by parent–child interaction; own children often develop disorganized attachment.
Attachment patterns are passed down from one generation to the next. Children learn how to connect from parents and caregivers, and they in turn teach the next generation. Your attachment history plays a crucial role in determining how you relate in adult romantic relationships, and how you relate to your children. However, it is not what happened to you as a child that matters most — it is how you deal with it. Many people go from victim to overcomer.
It is the deep and enduring connection established between a child and caregiver in the first several years of life. However, more and more children are failing to develop secure attachments to loving, protective caregivers. These children are left without the most important foundation for healthy development and are at risk for:
I would suggestion that most are a mix of attachment styles.
You are correct Sam.
Oh. Phew. Im SO glad you said that! I was having some confusion and weirdly, anxiety over being clear about which is my style because I can see various aspects are true for me. VERY relieved to know I’m not disorganised but a hybrid 😊
agree with you most are a mix of attachment styles
This is very informative and laid out in a nice and easy to understand format. Thank you.
Yes, this is a very clear and easy to digest summary. Thanks!
Any suggestions about how to shift toward a more secure attachment style?
That’s a big question — and we are glad you asked it. To help children become more securely attached, it is helpful to build trust and safety in the parent-child relationship. Please search our blog for lots of posts about that. To help a spouse become securely attached, it is helpful to be aware of previous attachment patterns stemming even from childhood.
But what about helping *yourself* develop a more secure attachment style?
Read “Attached” by Levine and Heller. They talk about developing secure attachment in relationships.
Great information! Would have loved more Direction on how to overcome some of the unhealthy attachment types.
Melissa, Our website has lots of info: http://www.evergreenpsychotherapycenter.com. Our books are described on the website.
Attachment types explained with great clarity.
This is so informative and helpful, but I’d love to learn more about these attachements and behaviours.
Please assist as to when can I get more reads.
Thank you for parsing these attachment styles. I’ve been trying to get a handle on RAD for some time now. It’s only now that I am prepared to read on.
Well laid out and easy to understand explaining the impact parents and the mix of traits may have on their children. Explains a lot in my own situation as I had a very distant and uncaring mother demonstrating that by building strong children prevents broken adults.
As a foster parent I find this info very helpful in understanding one child in particular who is now grown and we are foster parents to his child because of his unresolved issues. I want to change that in his daughter and give her a strong foundation as she grows.
I’m 53. I have lost my wife of 27 years through divorce and have strained yet developing relationships with my 20 year old son and 18 year old daughter. I feel like I screwed up many things in my life – myself, relationships (or lack thereof), and the people I loved most. But I do have hope as I learn more through sites like this and others on neuroscience and through a faith that says I am forgiven and that it’s possible to change and renew my mind.
It’s very cool that you (Mr. Levy) address people on this blog. It helps creates a healthy attachment with us! God bless you and your work. I hope that more of this information gets disseminated to couples before they get married and people prior to having kids. It’s sooooooooooo important. Thanks!
Russ, You are very welcome. Glad that you find the posts helpful. Sounds like you are already changing and renewing your mind.Keep growing.
Well I jus found out that I have attachment issues.with more understanding of my issues I feel like I can be able make adjustments to learn how managed my problems.. i hope that I can help prevent my children from developing theses issues.. please keep reaching out to those don’t there understand there connections . 😊
Thanks Gabe. You have the right idea. With your self awareness you will be able to help your children.
What advice would you give to a father trying to guide two children whose mother abandoned them after they were already traumatized by the death of their younger sister?
My wife abandoned us a few years after our youngest daughter died at 13. My son was 20, had a severe learning disability, and had just flunked out of college. He felt his mother blamed his drinking for flunking out; I was able to determine that it was his learning disability (he was in way over his head in an engineering curriculum, and had been sick for most of his 2nd semester).
His younger sister was going to leave for college in 2 weeks. She had witnessed her sister’s death at age 15.
Their mother left and moved back in with her mother, brother and sister 4 hours away, with only several hours notice, claiming that our daughter had been murdered (and there was nothing remotely like a murder – it was an accidental death). She almost completely cut her kids off; she visited only at their college graduations four years later last May (I was able to find a college that my son could commute to, and he finally made it through). Their mother calls once a year, on their birthdays. They are allowed to visit her, but rarely have since she left.
My son is furious at her. My daughter is more forgiving, but frequently has referred to her as a distant aunt, rather than a mother.
The best I was able to come up with was to tell them that their mother has been broken by their sister’s death. What can be done to stop them from fearing being betrayed because of this?
Concerned father, I would recommend family therapy. This would give you, your son and daughter, an opportunity to talk about the situation and your emotions in a constructive and helpful way. Hopefully, talking as a family would also increase trust, communication, and togetherness as a family.